Lost

I am not sure if I have lost a sense of who I am, my true self, or that I am afraid to let who I am show to the world. Perhaps it’s the fear that has taken over me that has clouded my inner vision. I walk around with a wall around me, afraid to look at people in the eye, afraid to be myself out of fear of rejection. Yes, it is that, but it is also the old fear that I am flawed at my core, not good enough and this will be realized and confirmed by the world around me, and the scrap of hope and belief I hold on to that I do indeed have value, that my true self is intact will be lost for ever. I still give this fear a lot of weight and in that power because I am still hiding at 50. If it were to come true then I will be utterly lost. This is my deepest fear. This has manifested itself into a belief I am ugly, unlikable and a walking embodiment of social kryptonite. But are my fears completely unfounded? I have tried to make friends, be in relationships, but they never go anywhere and I assume that is because I am unlikable. No, this is not true, This is what I tell myself, how I beat myself up but deep down I like who I am and know that others do to, I am likable and attractive, I know this, but it is my inability to maintain relationships that keep be playing these old and well worn negative tapes in my head. But even on this point I am conflicted. Is it that I am this flawed unlikable person? In my heart of hearts I can’t believe this. Or is it my fear that prevents me from letting people in and being my self? Let’s face it, fear is not attractive and I feel I have collapsed in on myself and always feeling I need to adjust to my environment and to those who are in it that I think is unattractive and drives people away. I know my history and the reasons why I do this, it has become so ingrained in me, the track that I find the least resistance in, that to get out of it and see myself as something other than a deeply flawed individual takes all my energy, even though it brings me peace, the effort is seemingly impossible to maintain. I have been working very hard to be healthy and strong, to be a good parent to Griffen and to give him not only what he needs now, but to build for his future happiness, but I do it without a clear path. I have always been someone who needs a path even though I love lighting out to the unknown, I like knowing I have a home base to return to even though that home base is somewhere I need to create once I get there. I suppose this has been possible in the past because I trusted in myself the ability to create it where needed, a safe place. I have lost touch with this trust. All I am seeing now is what I need to do, and it’s an endless and long list with no guarantee of success, which I know nothing in life comes with this, but I am failing to see the sign posts that tell me I am going in the right direction. How do I recognize these? I am realizing that I am looking to the world for these but in writing this I believe that they are with in me. Only I know when I am on the right path. It’s about trusting in me, something I have lost touch with.